Thursday, June 18, 2009

A Stroll through Makati

June 17, 2009
A stream-of-consciousness post conceived whilst listening to Explosion in the Sky on a cold, rainy, and boring night. Enjoy!

A freezing humid night, walking alone on the sidewalk, head-down on the ground with a heart as heavy as an anchor weight, memories passing through me, wishful thoughts of having a family, I look around and see shadows, mere shadows walking towards their graves, an insignificant speck in eternity’s lifetime, I am no better, I’ll die, soon enough, no friends, no family, no home, no house, no nothing, I see children with their parents walking, they pass me and send me smiles, I smile at them with the thought they’ll grow up so unlike me who can see, I wish I grew up unlike me, a me not like the me that walks lonely sidewalks in search of a family, this is my first time walking this lonely stroll, this is the last time I’ll be doing this, I won’t ever return to where I came, I’ll never return to my family, because I don’t have one, I wish I had one, I wish I had someone walking beside me, hands held we smile at each other as the world spins and twirls around us in a flurry of ecstasy and timelessness, I wish I was immortal, I wish I was never mortal, I couldn’t have wished I didn’t become mortal if I wasn’t mortal, everything seems circular, reasons that define life turn around to square one, no one will find out what life is, because it’s nothing, I pass a sidewalk with two people, an old lady with an expiration date in two years time, a woman, a mom, heavy plastic bags filled with lies made out of plastic, lies of hope, lies of love, lies of meaning, there is no hope, nor love, nor meaning, just a freezing humid night and a sidewalk, an endless sidewalk of mannequins, we walk this endless sidewalk and will never reach the end, just a square tile or two, to my left is a restaurant, an Italian restaurant filled with lovers and families, I wish I was inside that restaurant where there is food, happiness, warmth, love and all the other trite things that are merely there for the sake of being there, like me, like us, I’m here because I’m here, I’m here because you’re there, you’re there because love, warmth, happiness, food are there, and I am not, I cry like a baby, I feel so naked like a child, I am a child, well as clueless as one, I am crying like a child and no one’s here to comfort me, no mom, no dad, no family, just a wide world unsafe for a child like me, a small child like me, I crawl and crawl and crawl, not understanding anything at all, a big machine with lights pass in front of me, it sounds a noisy beep and a man comes out of a window of this machine and says something I don’t understand, or don’t care at all about it, or maybe it was a mumble like a child’s first attempt to speak, he shouts, wails, screams, all inarticulate because I’m a child, I couldn’t understand anything, and he’s a child and he couldn’t understand anything, we are all children, I wish I was still a child, then I’d live on without understanding anything at all, but now I understand, I really do, all my walks have led me to understand life which is really nothing at all, nothing to understand about, nothing at all, no meaning, no sense, no life, just a sidewalk on a cold lonely night and a 17-year old man-boy-child crying.